


The Art of Being Raphael (and How to Avoid Responsibility)

by Crowoxy



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Beezlebub is here for a good time, Bureaucracy, Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Gen, God is here for the long time, Good Omens Holiday Exchange 2019, Healer Crowley, Is the true evil of the world, Lucifer just wants someone to do his paperwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22180354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowoxy/pseuds/Crowoxy
Summary: Crowley may have been Raphael, but that doesn't mean he was any good at being an archangel anymore than he was a demon. The story of how Raphael Fell, which may have been for the best.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Dagon (Good Omens), Crowley & Raphael (Good Omens), Crowley & Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 165
Collections: Good Omens Holiday Exchange 2019





	The Art of Being Raphael (and How to Avoid Responsibility)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zizzy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Zizzy).



> A gift for Zizzy for the Good Omens Holiday Exchange 2019! Everyone should check out the other works at https://go-exchange.dreamwidth.org/ which is full of amazing things. 
> 
> Happy Holidays everyone and keep enjoying that Not!Apocalypse!

There was a reason why Crowley was one of the few demons who tried to avoid Hell as much as possible. Well, more than one, but the most important one was that he really, really hated the aesthetic but it’s not like Hell ever read his memos on changing the lighting so plants could maybe grow on the craggy terrain outside the main city.

The second… well the second was mostly due to only one demon and his extreme persistence in trying to torture Crowley with the most heinous of all things: responsibility.

* * *

_Before Time was a Thing and Before Things Went Real Bad for the Heavenly Host:_

Each angelic being created, regardless of rank, was created for a Reason. Capital letter and everything, that Reason was their sole, well, Reason of being created by the Almighty Herself. There was baby Hieradulous who was Created to Look Cute and criticize any art created, and Jojoranious who was Created to make Epic Pottery and Joseph who was there to Make Everyone Else Look Bad By Being Really Good At Everything Without Trying. Relatively simple concepts for those of the lower spheres but for the archangels it was a bit trickier.

“So I’m supposed to Heal?” Raphael - Who Didn’t Like His Name - had asked this question to the Almighty Mother nearly every rotation of the sun that could be seen from Heaven.

“Yes, Raphael.” God said patiently, if strained. She was busy making Her newest project - humans and really couldn’t spare the distraction the young archangel gave Her.

“But what does it mean?”

“You’ll find out in due time, Raphael. Please go find your siblings now.”

That’s how most of their conversations went.

A short while later, angels rebelled and fought and half of the Host decided to relocate in a lower atmosphere - by force, but if you asked any demon they went willingly.

Raphael had been sent out by Metaton who was told by Gabriel who was told by Michael who had been told by God to go out in the far reaches of space to create stars that would light up the galaxy. So when he came back after all his creativity juice was tapped, [1] there were a lot less angels than when he had left and naturally Raphael had been curious about the reason why.

“Mother, I still don’t understand what this healing thing is supposed to be.”

Really, no one should have been surprised when the floor dropped from underneath Raphael, not that any other angel was around to witness the Fall of Raphael.

Not in God’s opinion anyways, who had simply turned around to get back to work once the distraction had been taken care of. It had been a really busy week and She had a schedule to keep, Self-dammit! [2]

* * *

[1] Hieradulous kept judging him from a distance and Raphael - who didn’t like his name - could absolutely feel it.

[2] God was so busy in fact that in some years down the line when a few curious angels would ask Her upon the whereabouts of the Archangel Raphael, God would only shrug Her shoulders. “He must still be in space, right?” 

* * *

Raphael - Who Most Definitely Hated His Name Now and Would Immediately Change It Upon Landing If Ever - felt as if he were falling forever and would never reach his destination. He tried to unfurl his wings which had carried him through the turbulent nebulas of space but only flapped uselessly as a strong wind and gravity carried him faster than he could have ever flown. He didn’t know what heavy feeling balled up in his chest as he fell farther and the clouds that separates Heaven from the rest of God’s creations grew distant, but he didn’t like it and made his heart hurt.

Mother must have been very busy, too busy to even tell Raphael to leave.

That’s okay… he’d just try talking to Her again once the sun made a full rotation as always.

He didn’t expect the landing to hurt this badly. Raphael is an archangel - he had never fallen while flying before. His chest hurt deep inside and he didn’t know why, his wings hurt and he didn’t know why - they had been ridiculously useless on the trip down - and his back ached. Well, less of an ache and more of a burning pain that grew the longer he stayed motionless on whatever surface he had landed on.

This is fire. A helpful voice in the back of his mind offered. You should probably move.

Nah. Said an equally loud voice. This is fine.

Raphael really didn’t want to move, the second voice was right, the burning was nice on that weird terrible pain in his chest. But his back and wings protested at the pain that was steadily growing.

“-phael! Raphael!”

Hands reached down and drug Raphael from the fire making the decision of moving for him.

“Seriously Raphael, what were thinking of just lying in fire trying to burn you alive.” The voice that wasn’t in his head grumbed, sounding vaguely familiar but different enough that Raphael couldn’t place it. Not without looking at who it was at any rate.

“Felt nice.” Raphael must have said that quietly enough that the hands didn’t hear because they didn’t respond as they continued to drag the archangel across the surface of the fire and finally face up on cold, hard, and very uncomfortable ground. Squinting, Raphael peered up into darkness only illuminated by the fires he had been dragged out of out.

Raphael was used to dark. Space had been dark, the only light coming from Raphael and then his created solar systems. This was a different darkness that Raphael had never seen before - warmer but more dangerous and he wondered why he couldn’t see the usual golden glow of his being.

“Lucifer?” Raphael must have been looking around the area without even realizing it as his eyes stopped on the almost-familiar form of his sibling in the archangel sphere. “When did you decide to go red? Is it a new look?” Lucifer was indeed different from when Raphael had seen him in Heaven last; red all over where before he was golden and white, shining brighter than the strongest light in Heaven. His halo had broken into sharp jagged edges around his head though his wings looked exactly the same.

Raphael hadn’t been gone from Heaven among the stars for that long, had he?

“It’s been a minute since you were there, yes.” Lucifer said helpfully as he used his one hand to carry - wait carry?

Raphael used the momentum from Lucifer picking him up with one hand - Holy Mother - to look down. Robes that had once been white were scorched and patchy, threads coming out in tufts where the fabric had blackened. That he had expected. What he hadn’t…

“Why don’t I have any legs?”

Where his toes normally would have crept out from the hem there was instead a long black tail that wiggled when Raphael tried to kick his feet.

“Oh, er. Mother I guess had a bit of a creativity streak when She sent all of us down here.” Lucifer gently dropped Raphael on the ground - why doesn’t he have any limbs at all, he liked his thumbs Mother! - and Raphael wiggled out almost instinctively from the robes that he had worn for so long, hissing as his bare, scaly?, underbelly scraped against the rough stone right where his skin was still tenderized. Well that wouldn’t do. “Most of the angels, well now demons, there’s been a bit of a re-branding, were changed once they hit the fire. Apparently I just got a cool dye job but Eric got the cooler fashion look, which I think is incredibly unfair, it was my Rebellion, I should at least be the prettiest thing down here -”

Raphael flinched as a warm sensation crawled up his stomach, a soft white light gathering on the burns along his new body. Lucifer didn’t even pause for a breath, too engrossed in his storytelling,to even notice, which was nothing really new. Raphael ignored the no longer aching body parts - that must be what Healing meant, why couldn’t Mother have just said that? - he could worry about it later since there were apparently some other more important things to panic about. Like a rebellion? He had apparently only been gone a minute - whatever time measurement that was, but it didn’t sound like a lot - how could so much change in that little time? He wanted to go back home, back to Mother and the rest of Heaven, but something - that hole inside his chest - couldn’t feel where Heaven was, something he used to pinpoint with accuracy even from across the galaxy. Raphael opened his mouth to ask Lucifer the details but his brain must have hit the ground harder than he thought.

“Who’s Eric?” Raphael asked instead of something clever like, Oh dearest sibling of mine, why were you leading a rebellion that ended up in a fiery pit of darkness and everyone with different names and appearances?

“Oh, it’s Joseph. Most of the angels who Fell can’t remember their names so they decided to change them up a bit. Don’t know if Eric actually doesn’t remember or if he’s still just being Better At Everything Without Trying as per usual.” Lucifer chatted away. “But it’s real good you decided to drop in when you did. Hell has just started and there’s already heinous backlog of paperwork and as another archangel who’s now Fallen, and therefore a Prince of Hell, you can totally help me with it!”

Now, Raphael still may not know what exactly was happening or why a horde of angels were sent down to this place by Mother, but there was nothing that could send shivers down his spine faster than hearing the words paperwork, responsibility, or both. Responsibility usually always lead to paperwork - which absolutely gave Raphael hives - and paperwork would no doubt be a precursor for responsibility and hives and there was a reason Raphael had been sent to create constellations from the stars by himself without needing anyone else helping him. [3]

“Um, nope, sounds like too much work. Gotta go have a breakdown now,” And Raphael fled, instinct helping him slither away faster than he thought possible. “And I’m totally changing my name!”

“But you need to fill out the proper paperwork for that!” Lucifer called as Raphael found a small crack to slither in.

* * *

[3] Gabriel was still trying to figure out how the paperwork he had given to Raphael to fill out turned into seeds which then sprouted into cotton trees. 

* * *

Time passed. How much, Raphael - now Crawley, which he still didn’t like - didn’t know but he listened when he could to pick up new information.

“Lucifer just proclaimed Raphael Fell with us.” A demon who Crawley was using his new found healing - so that’s what you meant, Mother! - abilities on a massive slice that nearly took off the demon’s kneecap.

“Who?” Crawley asked, focusing on the glowing of his hands pulling torn muscle together again to be whole.

“You know, the other archangel no one ever really saw. That’s what George said.”

“Never heard of this Raphael bloke,” Crawley lied as the skin finished knitting itself together. “Must be that terrible memory from upstairs.”

After Lucifer had found him, Crawley - who then went by Raphael - tried to keep his head down. He managed to figure out how to change his form to get all his limbs back and blend in to the new demonic crowd that was his home. Then a fight had broken out with Raphael stuck in the middle of a flurry of claws and teeth and he had gotten injured.

Needless to say, none of the demons really liked Crawley - but they were ecstatic about his healing abilities to get them back into fighting shape much quicker than their next enemies. All Crawley had asked in return was to keep his abilities quiet from Lucifer and any of the Princes. If only because Lucifer would definitely know Crawley was Raphael and then Crawley would be stuck in the Palace as a Prince until his next escape because if the rumors about the Prince of Hell’s behavior were true, Lucifer really hated being told no.

What he really needed was a way to get out of Hell completely so Lucifer wouldn’t be able to find him among his domain.

So when Prince Beezlebub had Duke Dagon loudly proclaim a job posting on Mother - God’s finished work on Earth called Eden and Humans…

“I volunteer as tribute!” Crawly shouted dramatically, nearly jumping and down in glee. The other demons took this as willingness to prove himself to their Lord and Master Lucifer by taking this dangerous position, a notion that Crawly did not dispute. [4]

The rest, as many scholars and poets would say, was history.

* * *

[4] Lucifer was much too busy handling the business side of Hell to notice much else. That’s why Beezlebub was there because they at least were not afraid of paperwork like some former archangels Lucifer could think of and once this stack of papers was done, he would totally hunt down so Raphael could do the stack of paperwork hiding on the corner of his desk. 

* * *

_6,000 + years after Time is Established and End of the World Was Just Derailed by a 11-year-old Boy:_

“- and furthermore, I cannot believe that you were hiding all this time on Earth just to hideaway from your responsibilities.” When Beezlebub had taken that quick dip down to Hell to report that Crowley - that traitor - had influenced the Antichrist into ignoring his occult duties, they could definitely say that this was not the scene they had expected when they snuck back up to Earth to watch the drama about to unfold.

“Don’t you know how much paperwork humans invented for healing? I would rather sleep for a thousand years!”

“Crowley, that’s a coma!”

“You can’t do paperwork in a coma, Raphael!”

“That’s the bloody point, Lucifer!”

There was less bloody violence for one and both the weird angel and Lucifer himself were yelling at a petulant looking Crowley, who had apparently been the Fallen archangel Raphael the whole time and ignoring his proper duties? What the actual Hell. Although that did explain Crowley’s excessive need to ask if Lucifer was around every time he needed to pop back down for a report.

Didn’t matter. Beezlebub remained hidden in the shadows of the airfield base until the Antichrist got bored of adults yelling and banished his dad back into Hell. With a click, Beezlebub stopped the recording on the phone they had been smart enough to grab before leaving Hell; Dagon would have never believed them otherwise.

Honestly, if Crowley had been acknowledged as the archangel and thus a Prince of Hell, he could have gotten away with so much more. Delegation was such a wonderful tool, besides all of Beezlebub’s paperwork had mysteriously appeared on Lucifer’s desk over the years anyways.

Beezlebub vanished beneath the cracks of the Earth back down into Hell. Now that the world wasn’t ending, they had a date with Dagon that involved laughing at humans trying to compete in a baking contest.

Fools. If Beezlebub wanted to, they would have demolished the rest of the participants with their chocolate fly pudding.

* * *

[5] It may have been less of Adam telling his Not-Dad to go away and more of “ugh, you are so embarrassing, I refuse to be related to you.” type of banishment. Either way, Lucifer had been too distracted by yelling at Crowley nee Crawley nee Raphael to really care. He needed a vacation.

* * *

It was relatively easy to get back into the swing of things after the Not!apocalypse passed by without ending the world. Aziraphale understood -eventually - that Crowley didn’t want to be Raphael any longer and rather preferred his life on Earth instead of being some sort of “holier-than-thou stuck in the mud archangel” in Heaven. And he definitely didn’t want to be Raphael or Crowley, Prince of Hell because of some random ranking system.

“But you were healing demons in Hell?”

“I don’t know, I was bored and it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“That’s awfully sweet and caring of you, dear.”

“No, shut up.”

Crowley had known what his true enemy had always been from before Time kicked into gear. Mother always told him that his special Reason was to heal - not that She ever explained - but Crowley figured that had been Raphael’s thing and he wasn’t Raphael any longer. No, Crowley’s enemy was responsibility and his Reason for being? Avoiding any responsibility at all costs.

And as Crowley sat with Aziraphale on the porch of their new cottage in South Downs, he couldn’t be happier ignoring that stack of paperwork Lucifer had sent in hopes of Crowley feeling guilty after 6,000 years of hiding from Lucifer.

It would make good kindling for their fireplace.


End file.
